“Wasted” written by Laura Burdo.
So I have a confession.
I have to come clean.
I just ended a complex and dangerous long-term relationship.
By long-term, I mean many years, with an emphasis on ‘term’, as in serving-a-sentence. Though not one of penance, so much as it was of sins committed.
I had to end it, literally drop it like a bad habit! I felt powerless over it, and in certain ways, my life had become unmanageable.
In The Beginning
Looking back, in the beginning, the relationship was super exciting! We’d hang out, throw back a few brews, pop open a lil bubbly, or share a rare bottle or two… or more, but who was counting?
We’d commiserate, and just yuck it up together. You know, take the edge-off, chill… just wasting time, money, and energy.
As time went on, this bond between us grew, we became almost inseparable, especially during stressful and sad times in my life. This relationship was always there for me to lean on.
And that’s just it – the leaning -revealing a weakness which served more as a crutch, and morphed into an intricate co-dependency.
Eventually, evenings would evolve into emotional roller-coaster rides, rage, and all too often, words wished unspoken.
Denying the problem, I’d interact again-n-again in a similar fashion – perpetually pretending that things were OK, and under control.
Look, you know how obsessive-compulsive relationships can be considered ‘normal’, to a degree? But then, balance can become unstable, and everything gets tipsy.
And say, have you ever tried to detect dependancies in your life, and wrestled whether they’re problematic enough to admit and attempt to liberate yourself?
Yea, it gets uber confusing and complicated to choose change. And HOW! One requires real wisdom to know the difference.
But what about when it gets way worse than that? When you try to negotiate new limits, and want to take back control, only to find that you can’t?
In my case… progressively over time, dynamics within my relationship were exhibiting an insidious undermining – a competitive control crept over important things (not to mention people) in my life. It was like the tables were being turned on me and it was taking me down! Just maybe, it was even going to ultimately end me!
One day, a memorable moment suddenly showed-up.
A way of escape was extended to me! A few faithful friends stepped in-between to intervene. They’d witnessed the throws and woes of this horrid relationship of mine. One announced, “It’s that relationship or me! You must decide, don’t you see?”
And there it was… I saw that figurative Crossroad. I stood there and stared right at it. I could see clearly that I had to choose just how much of my life was I willing to lose.
Let me tell you… that was a sobering state to be in.
Inside my soul, I knew a hideous beast lurked within this complex and dangerous relationship. Its intent was to intimidate, isolate, and to possess me. I also knew that he would not easily let me go, and nor would he go without a fight.
Can’t you agree… this relationship just had to end?!
SO I WASTED THIS ‘FRIEND’!
My weapon was God’s grace.
The ammo was a 12 Stepped ladder.
The target … Sobriety.
My aim… Serenity.
The Pilates Preacher
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